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Quiet, So Far

by rory alene

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1.
Rot 03:07
our bodies rot - but they’ll find each other under covers in our room my room is caving in - and falling apart all over i wrote a note to you. it’s hidden in my dresser these days i -don’t know how to move sit at my table there’s always room for you sit at my table and eat sweet fruit anytime i’m alone- i fall i love with you i wish that we danced- like you said we’d do
2.
Tart 03:39
can i get a piece of the great big pie i’d take the crust i don’t mind can i go out of my way i’ll write letters and tangents of why these things are this way i don’t know i don’t know why things are this way you said the shape of - but i’m still afraid of the dark our bodies like lovers were all still afraid of the fall my body above the shade of a heart in the dark and i still know that we might just fall your body below and the taste of a new kind of tart and it’s sweet but it’s bitter our bodies fit into the shape of it all i know that you know somethings going on on here what’s going on how are ya going along i think of you when you’re not here and days were like riddles and my heart slowly pitters in places i don’t recognize but i pull back the layers sit through your stares find comfort in uncomfortable times
3.
i always feel so stupid saying what i need nobody ever says what they mean and when youre nocturnal, the lights are always out in this house im shedding and im sweating and dripping all over i dont know how to feel about it till its over do i have to cut it open release all the fluid leave the abscess burning to puncture when youre hurting to be honest i dont remember which house was made a home or what i ate for breakfast or what happened in the times i was alone but you are not responsible for that and i am not responding to the outlash i am letting go of the hold and remembering which house was my home sister hold onto me sister would you call? sister i fear i dont know you at all
4.
was i all along sheep to the slaughter a body in armor i’ll sleep in the harbor every february and if i play my cards right on my best behavior maybe i won’t get maybe i won’t get a fire she said there’s too much arson in staten island her daughter was killed that day when i was 15 i made i made a fire so big it took me down in it now its alright cut the chord cut the cord-breath in cut the chord cut the chord - begin the reason for all my fears. that was you my dear.
5.
Teeth 03:02
in a room filled with fluid seldom seeking solace for the tightness in my chest when all i want is normal all i get is thrown overboard my teeth are tumbling with every bite i take and in every dream i pull them piece by piece too much time thinking through what i never really do do you think you deserve what you’ve gotten today do you miss my shadow she’s standing in the way if there was more woman in me i think i could be beautiful but the man in me is weak so i’ll be nothing for you what does all this mean i feel weightless incomplete the threshold is cold but it feels like home there was a time i believed in a universe and cryptic things
6.
she said how’s the glass of milk and give me milk and honey when i knew i was drinking wine it’ll get better with time fruit it ripens but it rots and it takes down every harvest with it she swore i was the worst thing she’d ever seen but i’ve see the parts of me she’s never cleaned and they’re a whole lot uglier than she’d ever dream if i just stay here hiding in one place would you let me fall asleep or would she shake me awake again i hear she’s using again i don’t want to know if the love of her life was a dead end i can’t stop praying for her salt meets water and the skin meets my words the reason for all my fear that was you my dear
7.
my hands between my legs here your hands are shaking from fear of the trouble we got ourselves into i hate this fucking place and i’ve always been replaceable maybe i’ve never been remarkable but i swear i could love you with my chest and i’m only a little embarrassed to admit it so grab my jacket collar and tell me that you’re honored to be my best friend i sure as hell told you how i meant to to tell you how i felt in the forest filled with ferns and that terrible time in the smithsonian they were pointing and laughing and we got stuck in a snowstorm and i knew i’d be loving you for quite some time and do you remember in the corner when i told you i still loved her and you went on some tangent about being left handed and you handed me a drink and promised everything it would be quiet but i don’t think we get to have that but what’s best it got the best of me and when a change in tone could leave me silent
8.
Compost 02:56
remember to rotate because the rotting fruit will marinate in the bitter aches of apathy it’s always subtle news to me what was love is just a bunch of dirty hands in open cuts and pushing out until you have enough let them show you how to hold you how to be brand new i hope you fall in love again and someone holds your aching heart it’s always love that never claims a face of change when you don’t know me like you did before decay will wait until the air evaporates and toiled lies of why we ache and the twisted lines of what we hate beneath this room what we thought we already proved

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released January 11, 2023

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